Embrace Your Shakti

Being from Indo-Fijian descent I have found it tricky in finding a community that understands this part of me. Not many know the history of Indo-Fijians. To read an in-depth description of Indo-Fijians read my blog ( Migration Holds Trama). In simpler terms Indo-Fijians are Fijian Indians. Though I was born in the States, I identify as Indo-Fijian( Fiji Indian)  for that is where my culture lies. To some may seem odd, but as someone whose family was affected by migration the culture that my parents grew up with is different from those with a more direct line of migration from India. 

Growing up there were lots of clicks growing up. Many of which I never fully fit into. I didn’t know enough to fully fit in within Hispanic and African Americans clicks. And although the Polysiean clicks accepted me, I never fully felt seen due to the lack of knowledge around the creation of Indo-Fijian. So I learned to hone in on the overlaps of my cultures with the various communities at my school. In doing so I learned to minimize the parts of me that didn’t quite fit. Having speech impediments, I learned and internalized this lesson pretty fast. 

Ironically enough this lesson was unintentionally re-enforcinced within Indo-Fijian settings. Everytime an elder made fun of my struggling to pronounce Fiji HIndi words or how I would combine the Fiji Hindi words I knew with the Hindi I saw in bollywood shows and movies, stating it was because I was American born. I saw how the elders criticized kids who choose to do things differently saying that the kids do what they want and are becoming so modern. When I asked questions about why some of the customs were different from Hindus in India,  I would be told one of 3 things: 1) that’s because we are Fiji Indians or 2) because the other way is the modern and incorrect way of doing things 3) don’t ask questions, it takes away from the effectiveness of the prayer at hand. So I learned to minimize the “western” and “modern” parts of myself. I learned to not ask questions. In retrospect, I see now why the customs vary so much, it isn’t due to modernization but rather that the Indian Diaspora is a plurality made up of many subcultures. Think of it this way we all come from the same tree but each branch is a different way that our subcultures express themselves. So there will be overlaps but with subtle differences. I also recognize that my elders didn’t have the words to say this and I don’t blame them. They were focused on making ends meet. And it is due to their efforts that my generation has the privilege to pursue such knowledge. 

When I got to highschool it would be the first time where there would be more Indians than just my twin brother. Being excited to have a friend who understood the Indian part of my identity, I struggled to stay fully connected to my Fijian part of my identity. I went from excitement of being able to speak and understand Hindi to not really advertising it because it was seen broken by India Indians. I went from excited about talking about the creation of Fiji Indians, to not sharing it as much. Mainly because some of the Indians at my high school saw me as a knock off Indian, not good enough to be considered Indian and not pure enough to be considered a true Hindu. I learned that I could talk about overlaps between my community and Indian community but that was all.

It wouldn’t be until this semester where I started to connect with both sides of my heritage as a whole. What I mean by this is, no matter where I am, I try not to think in what terms I must minimize myself. If I am talking about a Hindu festival, rather than just talk about the traditions that occur in India, I talk about the ways Fiji Indian celebrate it as well. I try to take confidence in speaking Hindi, even if it’s broken. Broken words still have their own kind of hidden magic. I can function as a product of someone who lives in a duality, a western and eastern world. I don’t need to subscribe to one solely. I would be lying if I said that I don’t still struggle with this, but that’s the thing about changes and healing, sometimes it takes time. Some parts of it I am still figuring out. One thing I learned is to embrace who I am, even if I am still learning how to fully accept these parts of me.

Like always remember to embrace your Shakti,

Max