Embrace Your Shakti

I have had my ostomy for about 2 and half years now. For those of you who don’t know what an ostomy is, it’s essentially an opening on my abdomen where part of my small intestines sticks out. I attach an ostomy bag to collect waste that usually would come out from the bottom. I had to get this procedure since taking out my colon was the best way to treat my Ulcerative Colitis. 

In the early days of this journey, I was filled with so much guilt. To some degree, I felt that it was my fault that I needed the surgery. Like how could the medicines that helped others out of flares, could only keep my symptoms at bay. I remember thinking, did I do something to be on this path? Was my devotion not strong enough to prevent this surgery? Were my efforts lacking on the physical level? Knowing what I know now, I realize that my surgery was not a reflection of me as a person, nor a testament of my faith. It was a blessing in disguise, and I will get to how in a minute. 

Post-surgery was hard. For me, personally, adjusting on a mental level felt much harder than a physical level. It was the unexpected middle of the night ostomy bag leaks or the new set of symptoms to navigate life without a colon. I remember avoiding looking in the mirror for a while so I could put off seeing my ostomy. I would only look at it when I was doing a bag change or emptying the bag. There was a learning period in figuring out what kinds of clothing I felt comfortable wearing. I was super nervous about anyone noticing the outline of my ostomy. Over time, I did figure out a balance with my wardrobe. More importantly, I accepted that on days my ostomy was more active, it was ok that my ostomy’s outline would be more visible.  

I would be lying if I said I no longer struggle with these thoughts. The key difference between then and now is that the intensity and frequency of these thoughts are not as strong. There are a few factors that led up to this. The first was having a community to talk to. My close family and friends helped me a lot during my recovery. My family helped me recover post-surgery and helped me find ways to focus on other things. My friends were people to whom I vented to, and through those interactions, I learned to talk to people about my struggles who weren’t immediate family. My support group helped me see that I wasn’t alone. Others had gone through what I have been through and were willing to share their stories and give me their advice. Having this sense of community allowed me to get out of my head when I was overthinking.

The other thing was being open to speaking to a therapist. Although I have always been a strong advocate for others to seek mental health help when they need it, I struggle hard to do it for myself. Primarily due to my trauma conditioning around mental health. A common theme that we would explore in session was the idea of 2 truths co-existing. This means my surgery was traumatic, and it was something that saved my life. My quality of life has improved, and I have new struggles I am adjusting to with my body. This radical way of thinking helped me tremendously in adjusting to my new reality. I no longer felt that I had to invalidate how I felt to move forward. Instead, I can validate how I felt and fact-check all the pieces of the situation. 

In the present, in between my experiences and the stories I have heard through my advocacy, my other reframing is that although my options may not always be ideal, at least I have options. Not a privilege that others have. Not to say that I should always be thinking that someone else has it worse, but rather be grateful that I have a chance. Again, the 2 truths play a huge role in this. For example, I may wake up in the middle of the night, realizing my bag has leaked. Meaning I need to change my bag, wash my sheets and make new sheets and that sucks. I am still grateful that due to my ostomy, I am not dealing with anemia caused by the inflammation in my colon. Nor am I constantly running to a bathroom with the fear that I might not make it. At least not as often as I once did. I hold on to the fact that gratitude can act as a medicine when used to reframe a perspective.

As always, Embrace Your Shakti.

Max