Embrace Your Shakti

Two weeks ago, I went to San Diego for a conference for Digestive Disease Week. Honestly, it was by far one of the best trips I have taken in my life. It was the first trip I took with just my dad. This weekend for me served as a testament and a reminder that it’s our parents’ first time around life. What I mean by that is no matter what age they are, they still experience lots of firsts just like us. I know I am guilty of forgetting this sentiment from time to time. Like when I was a child I always found the pictures where my elders were posing with a car or statue a bit weird and awkward. I now see this was their way of capturing every moment of their experience. It was their holding on to the things that they physically couldn’t keep with themselves. 

For my dad this was also his way of trying to make the rest of my family included in the experience. This to me was an aha moment. Though I knew of the sacrifices immigrant parents made when they moved to the States, I never thought about how this often came at the cost of the ability to be able to think about themselves. To the point that even when there is no one to care for that is all they can think about. Somewhere along the lines of being a child, a sibling, a partner, an uncle/aunt, or a parent, our parents lose sight of who they are. This is a recurring motif within the Indo-Fijian community. Due to the necessity to provide for the immediate and extended family, our elders were robbed of the opportunities to sit back and enjoy life. 

And this is something our elders did without a second thought until they started to turn the age when their parents passed away. The feeling of missing out, and the forgotten youthful desires begin to bubble to the surface. Although these incomplete desires bring an ache in their hearts, they choose to focus on what is familiar. Through phases such as “once my child graduates, I will retire” “Once my child has a good job I travel”, and so forth. The problem isn’t in these thoughts. There was a time when delaying experiences ensured financial security. This mindset is what helped them brave the darkest of storms.

So I would say this isn’t a skill they need to unlearn, rather they need the nudge to reframe things to give them the independence they rightly deserve. Once their kids are grown, parents should be able to focus more inwards and do things for themselves. Through this trip, I learned that it doesn’t always come from having  conversations, but rather is shown through action. When trying new food restaurants, rather than focusing on how I would make my dad feel comfortable, I focused on setting a tone for the type of cuisine we were trying. I took the lead in finding places and asked my dad questions about what he wanted versus making that choice for him. Another instance is when my dad made sure to get souvenirs for everyone but himself. My initial instinct was to keep pestering him until he picked something to get. However, after talking to my sister and reflecting, I realized that having him pick his sourniver wouldn’t be the most impactful thing for him. But if he was given something as a gift then it would hold more value to him. So at one of the local shops, I snuck away and got my dad and myself matching San Diego Keychains of the area where we were staying. To see the excitement in his eyes when I gave it to him made it worth it. 

So to all the immigrant kids out there, I’ll be the first to admit that at times our parents can drive us a little crazy. We can and should acknowledge this feeling, however we should also recognize that our parents deserve some grace. For like us, this is also their first time around. And this grace doesn’t mean to parent them or to try to change them. But rather to meet them where they are at and show them how things have changed through how you live your life and choose to include them.