Embrace Your Shakti

One of the hardest things I have had to learn since getting my diagnosis was learning how to recenter myself in my story. Being raised within a collective community, I always strived to care for others. I felt my worth came only from helping others. Although helping others is still something I thoroughly enjoy, I now know it shouldn’t cost my well being. For if I don’t water my roots, I can’t offer my fruits to others. 

Dealing with chronic fatigue and pain has forced me to reimagine how I show up for myself and for others. In simple terms, I had to reassess what my needs were and how I could better meet them. I also had to come to terms with the fact that having a dynamic disability meant that these needs were fluid. Some weeks my needs could change on a daily basis while others they would be a bit more constant. 

I remember having a conversation with my therapist at the time about how much I was struggling to navigate this. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t keep up with what I once could do. I was struggling to be a full time student, part time worker, a son, a brother, a friend, and a patient. I felt guilty about canceling plans, saying no to things I wanted to do but lacked the capacity to do so, struggling with deadlines and just dealing with my symptoms. After expressing all of this my therapist introduced me to something called the Spoon Theory and it honestly was a game changer. 

In a nutshell, the Spoon Theory is an analogy coined by Chirstine Miserandino ( an American writer and Lupus patient). In this analogy Spoons are the currency one pays to do their day to day task. The average healthy person is said to have higher spoons than the amount of spoons needed for their daily task. Furthermore they regenerate their spoons faster than they can spend it. Thus resulting in some tiredness but not complete fatigue. In this same analogy, folks with disabilities have finite spoons. Generally less or barely enough for their day to day task. For example, let’s say a person has only 10 spoons and work takes 8 spoons. When they come home they can either eat and do dishes or take a shower and both take 2 spoons. They are forced to choose between eating or taking a shower. Sometimes they can overspend a little, however if they are continuously in a negative it will lead to a flare in their symptoms. 

Having this analogy in my back pocket has helped me step back but better assess where my energy and pain levels are so that I am not working myself towards a flare. And if I do have a flare it’s not worsening due to me overworking my body. This tool has helped me realize success is not about quantity but rather quality. Furthermore my worth doesn’t come from working past my capacity rather from what’s in my heart. I accept now that sometimes I will need to work outside of my capacity, however it’s not something I need to do every day. Most days I can work within my body’s needs.

I now plan my days around my spoons. Meaning when I wake up I check in with myself to see where I am at. From there I decide if there are any adjustments I need to make. On low spoons day I primarily prioritize myself. On higher spoon days I set more time aside for others. I also use high spoon days to create plans and systems, so low spoon days can be easier. For each person that looks different. Some things I do are,  prepping/ cutting my ostomy bags to size, filling my pill box for the week and doing some light cleaning around the house. 

As always remember to Embrace Your Shakti,

Max Chaudhary